10 sure-fire ways to make an ass of yourself in yoga class

photo credit: ogden, the inappropriate yoga guy 

This post has been drafted with love. Let me help you. I'm here to make sure you don't do anything tooly or ass-holey in yoga.

(Note: This isn't an ahimsa-friendly post. If you're cool with that and have a sense of humor, read on, my dear friend. To the sour-puss judgy mc-judgertons, you're in the wrong place on all counts. U-turn, please.)

10 Sure-Fire Ways to Make an Ass of Yourself in Yoga Class (i.e., what NOT to do):

1. Cultivate Ujjayi breath that rivals Darth Vader. Did I sign up to have phone sex with you? I don't think so. I don't need to feel like I'm on the wrong end of a prank phone call as I attempt to quiet my mind.
2. Om, Sat Nam, etc. like your life depends on it. A yogi/ni is not made by the volume of his or her chanting. I promise. There's no door prize for being the loudest Om-er.
3. Step on the mats of others. If you're a foodie, think of it as a dinner plate. If you're religiously or spiritually inclined, imagine those mats are sacred texts. You wouldn't put your foot in either spot, would you? This kind of disrespect could get you an ass kicking in a place you'd least expect it.
4. Say things like, "Sup, girl. You look foooiiiine in those tight yoga pants. Can I get your number?" This goes for both sexes. This isn't a meet market, nor is it a meat market. You can move beyond your appendages, appetites, and predilections for 90 minutes.
5. Skip bathing or go hog wild on the onions/garlic/chili/curry the night before. There's really no better way to pervert someone's pranayama. That's air pollution! Somebody call the EPA!!
6. Bust out a handstand, pop into Pincha Mayurasana, or otherwise show your sh*t off when everyone else is doing as instructed and quietly taking Virabhadrasana 2. Let me clear this up for you right now: no one will think, "Damn he's awesome!" or "Wow, look at her — she rocks!" Nope, not a one. Every single last person in the room, no matter how nice, is going to be thinking, "What a douche."
7. Fling your props about with reckless abandon. I actually got clocked by a guy who thought it would be a good idea to yank his metal d-ringed strap over my head from a cubby. Really?! I'm sitting right here in front of your face. Did it not occur to you that there was a 99% chance it would pop out and give me a goose egg? Well it did. And now there's only a 1% chance for you that I won't be waiting to mess you up after class. Boo yaaa!
8. Choreograph your own yoga class during, uh, yoga class. I'm sure the teacher appreciates your...creativity and inventiveness, but I doubt he appreciates it during his carefully and artfully constructed class. Be present. Hand the next 90 minutes over to the guide in front of you. Trust.
9. Peace out during Savasana. Because this is the BEST time to make a loud exit. You know, when everyone is blissfully resting and absorbing all the work they've done. Our eyes are closed, we're at our most vulnerable, fluffy bunnies and sugarplums are dancing in our heads. A warm glow begins to — clangalangalangggggllllllllkkkkkkkpppkkkkkllll!!!! Your keys, we presume? We try to ignore the disturbance and slip gently back in to — blooop! snap! squiggle squiggle! Now instead of seeing stars and the colors of our chakras, in our mind's eyes, we know you're tinkering with your yoga mat. Would you like to know where we want to help you put it?
10. Keep your phone on. And let it ring-a-ling-a-ling. Perhaps it works for you on dates, in the conference room, wherever, to have your cell ringing 24/7. Maybe it makes you feel wanted and in demand, like a pimp. Not in yoga. Quite the opposite, in fact. And despite the delicious alliteration, Lady Gaga doesn't exactly go with Garudasana, Ke$ha isn't kin to Kapotasana, and Rihanna wasn't made for Reverse Warrior. Hold the soundtrack and silence your phone, please. Unless, of course, your ringtone is George Michael. That just might work. :)

Comments

[Maria Santoferraro]

This list is hilarious - but oh so true! I had a #1 next to me - but instead of the Darth Vader breathing, she kept moaning like she was having a heck of a lot more fun than I was during class. Seriously, it sounded like the soundtrack of a porn movie. Made it a little tough to be present.

[MeredithLeBlanc]

Amen, thank you sista!

[michelle marlahan]

oh, these are gooooood. and hilarious. thanks!!

(can i add, have a total side conversation like you're out for a cup of tea? so irritating...)

[Jamie]

Number six is my favorite. Get over your ego or find an advanced class!

All of them are very true! : )

[babs]

Very funny!

[Carrisa]

OH MY GOSH!! I haven't laughed that hard in awhile!! Classic!! I'm half tempted to print this post and, well, post it up in the Mind/Body Room!!! LOL

[Lindsay]

This is great ... I second the Amen, Sista!!

[Ky]

I love number #8! ...and yeah, so true for each one. Thanks for doing this!

[Carrisa]

ok... I couldn't resist... I came back to read this again (and again)... makes me laugh more each time.
#9 is my ultimate favorite. lmao!!

[annabelle]

#9 happens all the time! funny post! good job!

[Frenzy36]

I was amused all the way but from 5 on I was really laughing hard!!!

[Lo]

Oh man, you guys are the best. You've MADE my MONTH with all your awesomely brilliant comments. :) You know I lurve to make you laugh!!!!

Carrisa - Girl, you are welcome to post it anywhere! Be cool to have it in yoga studios everywhere, lol. Perhaps as a handout for all new students and repeat offenders. I'll do a brochure version in Illustrator and send it over to you. No joke!

[Maria]

Haha this is good.. or not! Love the picture =)

[Michelle]

Just basically fell off the couch laughing. You are awesome!

[Googlover/keishua]

Loving the list. It is so funny and so true.

[YogaPaloma]

When I teach my least favourite is No 6. The worst is when they perform handstand/headstand/contortionist move at the START of class when everyone is coming in just to be sure everybody gets a good look at them. WAY TO GO for intimidating my new students. Oh and P.S. No-one cares.

[S R]

I had a day where I chose the worst spot to lay down my mat! One of the girls beside me pulled the #6 with some seriously unavoidable garlic breath. I tried to ignore it but the smell was so bad I almost threw up, to make it worse the guy in front of me was stepping on my mat and I could also see his large and hairy butt crack when he was sitting normally.

[E]

Oh no, I am a total number one. In my defense I am expecting, and my lung capacity is wacky. If you hear me and my belly Darth Vader-ing it up on the mat next to you, my apologies in advance!

[Michelle]

Hilarious.. and true!

[reretartar]

how about showing up in a Bikram Yoga "Staff" t-shirt?

http://www.ebay.com/itm/MENS-NEW-RED-BLACK-BIKRAM-YOGA-STAFF-T-SHIRT-SIZE-XL-48-/370535879673?pt=US_Mens_Tshirts&hash=item5645a8d3f9