yoga humor, yogini style, yoga personality, yoga tips - Y is for Yogini

5 ways yoga is like s&m { oooh! ouch! }

photo credit: time.com

I've got my pleather yoga strap in hand and you better believe I'm going there. While the more apropos term is "BDSM," I feel like S&M still holds a certain delicious dirtiness. It's best you agree, considering I'm the one holding the whip. { too much too soon? heh. didn't think so. you love it, dirty bird! }

Let's get two things out of the way before we begin: 1) Yoga can be like S&M if you are a type-a pusher or tango with these tendencies, so don't get all feisty with me if you have a sweet, honest practice that reads more Disney than The Brothers Grimm. 2) Our safe word is "ahimsa."

1. Bondage - Yoga straps, bound baddha konasana, and strangling sports bras (why are they ALL like this?!). And teachers always seem suspiciously giddy to "help" you bind yourself up or get you a strap. Hmmm...
2. Sadism - We've all had a teacher like this. You know who you are and you are way too jolly when you gleefully exclaim, "We're doing to do a LOT of core work today!" Your cheery little face masks a devious, blackened, sadistic heart.
3. (Erotic) Asphyxiation - Let's come clean. We do this to ourselves. When things get particularly gritty in class or the nemesis pose rears its challenging head, we hold our breath. And hold. And forget we're holding. And hold some more.
4. Masochism - Whether it's mental (self-talk such as, "No Child's Pose for you, pansy-ass sassafrass!") or physical (toes dig into your mat, teeth gritted, sweat beads upon your brow, pose held for dear life), we do it again and again. Because we are pushers and punishers. We see no edge, no borders, no boundaries.
5. Deviants - The more vanilla and mainstream yoga goes, the more underground the yogasphere goes. We keep our words and our practice real. We are deviant because we deviate. By choice. We follow our own rules. I don't know about you, but that gets me hot and bothered.

To my fellow pushers, I send you blissful ease and a dose of straightforward sensualism. To my fellow yogic deviants, crack the whip!

With tough love from atop my custom-studded Manduka Black,

confessions of a yogini { savasana + corpses }

photo credit: yogazone.co.za 

Because I attend The Church of Lo { uhm, the temple in my mind }, I don't really have anywhere to confess. So I thought maybe I could confess to you. I hope that's okay. ;) This may become a regular thing, if I get good at telling the so very bad...

Confession: Sometimes, when all the sweet, silent little bodies in yoga class are lying there peacefully, enjoying a sumptuous yoga nidra, I am doing another thing altogether. I am thinking, "What if all these people in Corpse Pose REALLY WERE CORPSES." Just me, myself, and I sprawled amidst a sea of uninhabited bodies.

Let me further establish my creep-hood by confessing to you that this doesn't freak me out, like it probably would a normal person. Now before you have visions of projected necrophilia dancing in your head — STOP. It ain't like that. I just find the thought...bizarrely intriguing. What would I do? How would I react? How did they get that way? Does yoga kill? What if they become yombies? { = yoga zombies. ok, ok, i made that up. } My overactive mind rains thoughts down like falling toe-tags.

Don't leave me hangin.' Have you ever thought any of those things? Or am I just loco? On second thought, let's not answer the latter.

i pitta the fool { 10 ways to soothe pitta energy }

photo credit: snarkerati.com

Mr. T and I pity the fools with too much Pitta energy — I am sometimes one of them. And so is Mr. T. He's Pitta through and through, if you ask me. :)

Pitta is the second of the three doshas { Vata, Pitta, Kapha } and summer is Pitta season: hot, fiery, with feistiness on the rise. So whether summer has come early for you, you are naturally a Pitta, or you've just hit a sticky patch of anger you're working through, I'm here to serve up a nice tall glass of Pitta-cooling tips. Not to worry, my sweaty bebes, I've got you covered (or uncovered, as the case may be. it's summer...take your clothes off!)

When in balance, Pitta is passionate and charismatic. Characteristics: focused, energetic, driven, and organized. Elements: fire and water. Governs: metabolism, digestion, and the production of energy.

Pitta goes out of balance when:

• you get overheated
• you are angry
• you're working too hard
• your diet is comprised of many sour foods

You, with a Pitta imbalance:

Now, stand still while I turn on the hose and spray your hot booty down...

1. Take a cool shower, hit the pool, run through the sprinkler, or bust out the Slip n' Slide. You can also freeze your bra (or undies/boxers) slumber party style — this is a relatively short-lived cooling mechanism, but it works!
2. Drink lots and lots of water. It'll feel extra refreshing (and spa-like) if you throw in cucumber slices, a lemon or orange wedge, mint, or cherries.
3. Eat fresh, juicy, ripe, sweet fruits — even better if you chill them in the fridge first. Watermelon is summery heaven! You can't eat it and not smile or feel like a kid again. :D
4. Take a slow, leisurely walk in the moonlight.
5. Avoid spicy and sour foods and caffeinated drinks.
6. Splash your face and neck with rose water or rub rose oil (i use this one from Weleda) on your pulse points. Rose is calming and cooling.
7. Practice Sitali Pranayam, an incredibly cooling, relaxing breath exercise. Your head and heart will feel light and your body will feel so very cool.
8. Cater your yoga practice to the season — practice during the coolest parts of the day. Also, be sure to include poses known to be cooling: Belly Savasana, Supta Baddha Konasana/Cobbler's Pose/Bound Angle Pose, Sarvangasana/Shoulder Stand, Halasana/Plow Pose, Seated Forward Bends, and Viparita Karani/Legs Up the Wall.
9. Wear light, cool colors: white, lavender, sky blue, baby pink, soft yellow, and other pastels.
10. Listen to waterfall, babbling brook, rain, or running water tracks. It's like letting your brain take a dip in the ocean. :) 

Stay cool, my friends. There's no other way to be.

ehh, vato. sup? { 10 ways to calm your vata energy }

In case you were wondering, "vato" is Mexican slang for homie, dude, peep, pally, etc. So, my vatos, I am here to help you with your Vata. In a nutshell, Vata is the first of the three doshas { Vata, Pitta, Kapha } — the mind/body types in Ayurveda. Some of us have Vata as our primary dosha, meaning this is our main mental mojo + physical makeup, however we all have Vata energy.

When in balance, Vata is beauteous and dazzling. Characteristics: creative, energetic, quick, lively, fun, imaginative, intelligent, witty. Elements: Air and ether. Governs: Prana, movement, digestion.

No matter your dosha, everyone has shifts in their Vata, Pitta, and Kapha energies on occasion, and sometimes that energy careens out of balance. The most common one to go bonkers? Vata.

How does it feel when your Vata energy is off the chain? Like this:

Familiar, right? How do we add a little g-love and special sauce to balm it? I got ya covered.

10 Ways to Calm Your Vata Energy:

1. Practice a daily kriya.
2. Get Sniffing! Vanilla, sandalwood, and patchouli are especially comforting.
3. Good Eats: Warm, cooked { not raw }, sweet, salty, and sour foods are perfecto for balancing Vata. Add some olive oil to your cooked veggies, have a cup of hot tea or warm milk with nutmeg + cinnamon, nibble on nuts, and eat your oatmeal like a champ.
4. Sweet Feet: Rub warm organic sesame oil on your tootsies, slip on some snuggly socks, and hit the hay.
5. Routines are good. Vata derangement is akin to having your head float off into the clouds like a balloon. A firm sched will keep you in line and moving forward with flow.
6. Wear your calm on your sleeve: Dress in restful, soothing colors like lavender, greens, browns, and blues.
7. Don't hang out with assholes.
8. Stay Warm. How about a snuggie? Organic cotton socks, a nubby scarf, and a cute hat = just what the ayurvedic doc ordered.
9. Legs Up the Wall: Put on your fave mellow music and take Viparita Karani — the most calming pose in yoga, in my opinion.
10. Meditate.

Namaste, vatos and vatas. ;) May buttery calm be with you.

hey f*cker! you need yoga in your life.

photo credit: meh.ro

I have just unclenched my currently-clawlike hand from my iPhone. My teeth are gritted and I feel like paying a violent, gore-filled visit to the person who was on the other line. She has singlehandedly turned customer service to customer sepsis. My blood is boiling with the rage of agitated bacteria.

And then I remember. Practice. This is simply more. An opportunity to practice. I could continue to think about the 1,000,001 ways to throttle this girl, or I can STOP. Breathe. Calm. Remind myself that I have a choice: I can choose to let it all drop away. My pissed-off-ness isn't hurting her — she's busy shitting on the next person and racking up more questionable karma. Why give her any power at all?!

Huh. Ladies and gentlemen, this pup is learning new tricks.

And the truth is, we both need Yoga. I know I do. And she sure as hell does. Perhaps I should send her a YogaWorks pass?

Off the top of my head...

A Few Reasons F*ckers Need Yoga { yup, talking 'bout myself, too! }:

1. Staves off assholiness
2. Keeps you from throttling people { woo! no jail time! though if it goes too far and you do wind up there, Wesley Snipes can be your yoga teacher. }
3. Reminds you when to shutthefuckup
4. Teaches you to walk away tall

When was the last time your yoga practice saved you from the clink { aka jail, slammer, bighouse, assault charges, etc. } ?